My book...

A year and a half ago, just before Christmas, my husband's Grandma passed away. We drove to Edmonton for the funeral, and spent a few nights with the family. I wasn't sleeping well, and spent hours awake throughout the nights, contemplating life, considering the choices we make, the friends we have, and how the two relate. If we changed just one thing, would our life be unrecognizable?

My mind began to imagine a situation where there were best friends. One had been through a horrific tragedy, that had ultimately brought the two together. If the other friend could have chosen to save her best friend from that event, at the cost of ever having met her, would she?

As we drove home, 8 hours in the van, the two friends began to form in my mind. The setting, the weather, the music. Even a script. I was dreaming up a movie. I began to write it down, but was faced immediately with the reality that I have no idea how to write a movie. A book, though, I could try. My whole life, I'd been sure that 'one day', I'd write a book.

And so I began to write.

Living my dream was exciting! At Seth's nap time each day, I would write, two hours of story pouring out over the keyboard. It was all I could talk about! T.V. programs, the way the sun set, things my friends would say all became inspiration for characters and events that would be immortalized in these pages.

Then came the busy days. I put it aside for a while. And then another while. After a few months, I thought I should finish it, but when I picked it up and began to read, all I saw were the imperfections! What had been so beautiful to me was now needy and messy and raw.

I began at the beginning, to revise and rewrite, edit and cut. And although it was getting better, all I could see was that when I looked back, I could really re-write it again to be even better.

My heart longs to see the story told, but my fear is that it won't be good enough. What if I finish my book, and no one likes it? What if my friends can't look me in the eye, because they didn't even want to finish reading it? What if I fail?

Gulp.

But...

what if it's amazing? What if God finds a way to use it in his plan for my life? What if people do like it? What if someone actually published it? What if they make a movie of it after all?

I'll never know if I don't try. I'll never know if I don't push through the fear and insecurity. I must try, working dilligently, and being patient with myself as I learn, as I write and rewrite.

But I mustn't give up. Not until it's done.

And then... well, who knows?

Maybe I'll see you on the bestseller list :)