Hey friends! My pastor preached last week about S-E-X!! (I know, my church rocks! Lol) Anyway, In our home group we were led to discuss the ideas and principles that he'd taught. In smaller groups we'd be more able to ask questions or ask for prayer (if we were brave enough).
My Pastor said that "3 out of 4 people have been impacted by some negative decision or negative choice made about sex. Either ones that you've made yourself or ones that were made for you and that you had no control over." (*please note that the 'quotes' in this post were frantically written on notepaper, and are to establish the ideas. They may not be word for word, but I tried. )
I realized that although a lot of the principles applied to me, (and I'll go over those in a follow up post), so many of the mistakes I've made happened when I was a teenager. I can't change those things now, and I understand that even the bad parts of our history combine with the good to make me who I am now, but I am often soaked in regret.
I look at my little girls. Avery is 12!! Grade 7!! This is her last year in the elementary school. She is tall, stately and beautiful, in addition to being fun and smart. My guts pull into knots and my breathing is sucked out of me with fear- before I remember that no matter what- My God can protect her.
I've always been a believer in 'watch and learn' parenting. I watch you= see your mistakes=try not to make the same ones!! :) Worked like a charm with toddlers. :)
Sadly I've not many friends raising teenage daughters. I have a few, and some of these things are based on observations I've made. Some are just hopefulness sprouting from Sunday Morning's Ideas planted into my heart.
Okay, so let's get on with it.
We all know that our girls need rules.
***GASP!! NO NO NO!! If you tell them THEY CAN'T do something, they are definitely going to go out and do it!!
Well, yes, if you TELL them the rules. And if you give them those rules when THEY ARE ALREADY IN THE DATING WORLD.
Two of the main factors in having your little girl listen to you, are the timing and the way you present. Let me explain, and along the way, I'll explain some of what I hope to present.
Right now, Avery and Emma love to spend time with me. We talk about lots of things. We snuggle and we cry or we laugh. When we talk about boys, it is purely hypothetical. There are no boys in the picture. (yet). So now is the time.
Before there is any young man who she'll want to defend.
Before she wonders about my reasons for 'protecting' her. (or ruining her life-*oh yeah, I remember those days myself :)
NOW is the time to sit with my girls and talk to them about dating.
We've already discussed the fact that dating is something we do in order to find a husband. They of course think it's ridiculous to be looking for said husband when they are 12. But I know the time is quickly approaching when their friends will ALL be dating, and they will start to wonder.
So, we need some ground rules.
My idea (and again, you'll be waiting a few years to see how it all pans out), is to have a "N0-boys-allowed-let's talk-about-boys-party"!!
We are gonna kick the men out of the house, and be girl powered!! Lots of snacks, and laughing and fun!!
And we're going to have a big poster board to write our 'guidelines' down on. Together, we're going to write our dating rules, and all agree on them. (Made so much easier by doing it before they hit the boy crazy stage, while they are still semi-full of common sense).
I'll start by explaining to them that God created sex to be awesome!! * (anything with a star from here on, will give credit, in idea form to my pastors awesome message/God's word) This will definitely embarrass them, and get them blushing and giggling, but hey, we'll get over it.
My kids are not a fan of math, but I'm going to share an equation with them, that it set into the Bible. This is the 'Oneness factor'*.
"For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed."
(Gen 2:24)
So: The equation is 1+1= 1.
One man, plus one woman become ONE flesh.
This is super important for them (and us) to understand, because even without relationship, if you have sex with someone, you have become one with them. I realize that women often 'feel' this more than men, but it's no less true for men (or boys).
If you have become one, and then separate, you will never be whole again.
You can't. You have lost a piece of yourself, and will continue to do so each time you sleep with someone else.
My girls need to understand as well, that 'sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Cor 6:19)
If you are 'sinning' against your own body, then you are hurting yourself.
This is what I live with. Some people have much more visible consequences to their choices than I do. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, the reputation of being 'easy'. I escaped these things, but I still hurt myself by making the choices I did. I degraded myself and didn't treat myself as special and unique or as good as my heavenly Father would have liked. Because of that, I am not unscathed.
My idea is to discuss with the girls how important it is to have a plan. We each need what I love to call 'hedges', to protect ourselves.
We need to decide who we'll spend time with, and who we won't. And why.
Where we'll go, and who will go along. And why.
What our choices will be, in order to protect ourselves- from others who could take advantage- and from ourselves, if we got carried away in the moment.
We will make some concrete rules, with clear heads, and open hearts and then remind ourselves of them often.
We'll discuss Impulses, and how any of us can do things we'll later regret, and the importance of thinking clearly about our decisions before we make them.
Whew.
That's the plan. I'm exhausted already, but full of hope, and faith that God will help me navigate my way through this.
Don't forget to leave a comment and let me know your thoughts or ideas!! :)
Blessings,
7 comments:
It's so great that you get to parent teenage girls FIRST! lol ;-) I love that we get to parent teenager at the same time and in the same town! I'm sure we're going to need a great shoulder to cry on and a best friend to pray with more than once through out it!! <3 you!! Yay for more bloggin' ;-)
You are amazing! God has your back and your girls (and boys) in the palm of His hand. I am daily thankful that God loves our kids more then we can imagine.
I was with you, for the most part, until you went to sexual immorality and sin.
I think your idea of scaffolding your girls to think and plan for themselves, (their choices and actions) to preserve their moral values once they're in a situation such as dating, is good!
It is very similar to what we teach to our recently rehabed kids...**what is your plan to evade temptation and avoid drugs(alcohol, gambling, miscellaneous sex) because if you wait till you're 'out there' to plan your response and practice it, you will fumble and once you fumble, it is way easier for a turnover!**
With our kids who struggle with anger management, we do the same thing...*What are you doing daily, to maintain an ability to achieve a peaceful mindset, what is your plan of action to avoid trouble in times when your anger flares...how will you handle confrontation?"
It is a GOOD plan. But, and my friend, and know that this is from my heart, not just from my atheism, be so so careful if you plan to equate sexuality with sin and immorality.
Remember the story of the girl who grew up convinced she looked like a man....no one meant for that to happen, but certain messages get through even unintentionally. You're in really tricky territory there to manage to get your biblical point across without having children riddled by guilt if they, at some point, choose a different way of viewing life, the universe, everything.
My HEART is telling you this.
I love that you want to give your girls that EXCELLENT experience with their sexuality. It's awesome to give our girls the awareness, the information and power to embrace their sexuality with pride, with vigour and with confidence and have that great sex you and your pastor referred to....
I really hope that is what ends from your efforts.
Love you.
Ah, Teri! It IS such a fine line. I know it's all gonna be a wild ride, and I hope my girls will see already, that they are loved and accepted despite any wrong decisions they have made or will make. I realize we differ on some ideas, and that making some things 'immoral' will offend some. Eventually my children will choose for themselves. They will make their own mistakes. My hope is that these guidelines will help them to protect themselves, as they grow up. :) Love you.
Hi Char...I was thinking about this blog last night as I was trying to fall asleep..what great food for thought. Here is something that came to my mind that I thought I would share with you. While it is true that you give someone you share sex with a piece of yourself, the converse must also be true...that person will leave a piece of themselves with you. In light of that it is so important to make sure that person is special enough and worthy enough that you could accept them, even in a memory, as part of you for the rest of your life. How sad would it be to have someone you didn't even like be a part of you forever?
Rose! That's awesome, and you are very true. Each of us need to realize our importance and the value of being careful who we allow to be a part of our story. Thanks for commenting! :)
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